Waking up

Gabriel and I have been home from the hospital 2 1/2 mos now. It honestly seems longer than that. I hope its my paranoia but everyday I wake up praying I will see no peetichie that day. I hang on to God some days by my fingertips. I would love to wake up 1 day without my fist thought being 'what if'. What if the Leukemia comes back, what if he gets really sick again will his lungs handle it?. There are alot of  what ifs.  Not everyday is bad and paralyzing but there are days that it could be if I let it. I know that Jesus will carry me those days and he has alot the past 18mos. I love all my kids. I will rejoice through the ups and the downs. Lord give me the strength and the sanity.